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Rics Dal

12-19-2007, 10:22 AM

The Ultimate Adventurer's Guide to Norrath is full to the brim (or would be if books, in fact, had brims) of questions and queries in which to muse and ponder upon. One of the most notable, and perhaps most useless, of pieces to muse upon is the utterly senseless entry by one self proclaimed Infamouse Rics Dalbonhossletofingtonshire. Or, Rics Dalbo, as the pronunciation of his full surname is too often confused with having a seizure. Okay, so the world of Norrath is full of amazingly amazing questions that cause one to boggle/ponder and occasionally go insane. That, I’m afraid, is just the nature of things. Here people are, all over Norrath—and I get this an awfully lot—saying “why that’s the most ridiculous question I’ve ever heard.” “Oh, is it?” I ask rather crossly. “I think not! You’re ridiculous” I proclaim, and none too politely, might I add. “I know you are but what am I?” I shoot back rather rudely. Really, think about it. Let’s go back before the first race of Norrath knew that meat was good to eat (builds strong bones they say…or was that cholesterol?). Ok, have I lost you? Take a moment and let me paint you a clearer picture. I promise there’s a point in here somewhere and hopefully by the end I’ll have found it. So there they are: two rather dashing halflings (seeing as to how they were the first of races to have ever existed…the proof is in their vast knowledge and all) walking in their pre-racestoric bear pelts (yes, halflings are known for their vicious fighting skills and bear slaying techniques, I’ll have you know). Up till this point in history the halfling (only race in existence at this point in time…don’t argue.) have only thought to eat the fruit…seeing as to how fruit has a natural look that screams “eat me!” (Or was that the marketing ploy of a rubbery dried out stick of processed meat? What a horrible idea that was…a dried stick of slim meat? Pfftb ) Now, upon their walk they happen across a rabbit. The rabbit glances up at them eyeing them curiously while nibbling fiercely on a carrot. They glance at the rabbit. The rabbit, again, glances at them. This continues for awhile until the halflings grow bored. Then it continues to continue for a rather lengthy time afterward until finally a halfling speaks. “Gee Merle…wonder what he’d taste like?” a halfling asks his companion whose name is actually not Merle, but rather, Murll. Of course his name is completely and utterly irrelevant to the point and story. This is when it happens. Murll looks up at his companion and says, “Why that’s the most ridiculous questions I’ve ever heard! What possessed you to think of eating something like…like…a rabbit?” Little did Murll know that two-hundred years later the annual income of a tiny rabbit-stew stand at the intersection of Nowhere and Somewhere was used to purchase the entire region of what we now call Antonica. You see, what may seem like stupid questions now may, in fact, turn out to be the most common and natural line of thinking in years to come. How many people will pass up a life of fortune just because they dare not question? I propose that everyone take special care to go out of your way to eat anything they come across. You never know when you’ll happen upon something tasty that you can market, and in a few short years, be able to afford your own small country. Bah, and what about milk? I mean, sure, I love milk as much as the next halfling, but I’d hate to be the first person who looked at a cow and said “Hey, I think I’ll squeeze these dangly thing and drink what comes out!” Bet they all throught he was a little off in the head when he suggested that. Or, hey, how bout the first person who said, “Hey, you see that chicken over there. I’m gonna eat the first thing that comes out of its butt!” How come you play at a recital, but recite at a play? Why do people say, "You can't have your cake and eat it too"? Why would someone get cake if they can't eat it? I mean really, the only way one could eat a cake in the first place is if they HAD it! So the question remains: If you were going up the creek without a paddle and you got a broken wagon wheel how many pancakes would it take to build a ten story doghouse while painting purple cows with dinted doorknobs who have no desire to ponder the relationship stars have with sea-goats who insist on swimming in grass? Oh, mock me now, but I’ll have the last laugh when the answer to that exact question is discovered to be the answer to immortality! Ah, here it is. I found a few of many points to this story: 10: If the world didn’t suck we’d all fall off. 9: If you are killed you’ve lost a very important part of your life. 8: Do unto others…and then run. 7: I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met. 6: Outside of a dog a book is a man’s best friend. Inside a dog it’s too dark to read. 5: Never retreat…but rather, advance in the other direction. 4: Two years from now turning yourself inside out will be the new fashion trend. 3: A man who has no fork is no man at all 2: A guide without life is no guide at all, but life without the Guide…what of that? And the most important of all 1: Rics is back…and so is The Ultimate Adventurer’s Guide to Norrath. Be afraid. Be very very afraid<hr />