Dark Tides (Never been edited) [Archive] - EQ2 Forum Archive @ EQ2Wire

Skullsmasher

05-31-2007, 12:33 AM

Ok...so I found this in my saved word documents and I figured I might as well put it here and let the critics pull it to pieces...<img src="/smilies/69934afc394145350659cd7add244ca9.gif" border="0" alt="SMILEY" /> Don't expect anything too wonderful...like I said...no one has looked at this, so it is probably very poorly written...I've only read over it twice...I might try and pretty it up...or start on somthing I can work with better...The steady drumbeat of rain poured down onto the cold, hard ground of the back alley. A small figure lay shivering and alone, huddled against the wall, his only belongings were a wool sheet, which lay plastered to his body by the torrential fall of the rain, and a small tin cup with a few rocks in it, it lay dented and half smashed a few feet away. His long, golden-brown hair clung to his head; his crisp, blue eyes stared at nothing, reliving the horrors of a past. A rat scampered out of a hole on the other side of the alley, a potential meal, the boy slowly sat up. He fixed his eyes on the rat; too weak to stand up he just sat there, waiting for the rat to come closer. The boy's hunger had left the state of pain, he no longer felt the hunger, it had been weeks since his last meal. He still stared at the rat, and it teased him with its unwillingness to come closer, the boy became angry and he yelled out of spite. The rat just chattered and began slowly meandering down the alley. The boys rage was building, the hunger was returning, his eyes began to glow red, he shouted with fury and the rat burst into a conflagration. It writhed in agony momentarily, until its life was ended. The boy crawled over to the rat, his anger subsided and his eyes normal, and he began to digest the charred flesh. The small meal made the difference; the boy stood up slowly, grabbed his cup, and began to hobble down to the beggar's row. * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * "m'Lord, there was a small, magical anomaly in the city." "Where, Tythus?" The young mage, Tythus shook with anticipation as he, was the one chosen to relay this precious information to his liege. "The Slums, ne-e-ear Beggar's Row..." "No." "No.... Why m'Lord?," Tythus didn't understand, the academe needed more magical adepts to help in the war, yet this promising lead had been denied. "Hmmm...Tythus, there is much you do not understand. The Slums are a place polluted by the dark arts, and we have more than our fair share of Necromancers running around. We need more arcane wielders, such as yourself, or we will be forced to re-staff." "But sir! This magical spike was not of that type. Lady Josalyn said it was elemental in nature. It was red, I know that, so possibly a Pyromancer," Tythus was ecstatic, the chances of a new mage to join him in his studies made him very excited. "Fine, Tythus. I will go see what I can find...'sigh'...I'll be back in two hours," with a flick of his hand the High Mage was gone. With a quick smirk of accomplishment, Tythus ran off to find Lady Josalyn. * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * The boy had returned to the alley with his wool sheet and his cup, today had gone well, he had gotten to sit in the tavern. Not only was it warm and dry, but the drunks were always very generous. His cup had contained three silver, five copper, and eighty-seven tin. In the tavern he had purchased a meal of cooked rice with carrots and a chicken leg, as well as stopping and buying some cloth pants from the merchant. While recounting his coins the sound of shuffling feet reached his ears. Glancing up the bodies of some of the other beggars stood around, the dirty taters of their clothing hung loosely around their dirty flesh. The two who consider themselves the beggar monarchs were there, Janith and Sargot, both wore cloth tunics and carried rusty daggers. Janith lowered herself to her knees in front of the boy, "Scodeul," she said sweetly, " have you given the half of your earnings to the group?" "No...It's mine.... I earned it.... go away," he seemed to stare at nothing. She cupped his chin in her left hand, "Child...you know you have to. The family needs the money." His visage change, he was obviously angry, "No! I am not part of your family! I will not give you the money!" His eyes began to glow a slight reddish color. With her right hand she slapped him, and stood up just in time for the blast of fire to miss her head. But to completely sear the clothing and the skin from her chest. Screaming in agony she fell to writhe on the ground, the skin from the neck to stomach blistering and bleeding. The others saw the red fury in Scodeul's eyes and fled. He could hear the clatter of armored footsteps in Beggar's Row, and decided to flee into the main thoroughfare on the other side. The torrential downpour had slowed to a drizzle, and Scodeul moved through the crowds of people. Stopping at a tailor he hurriedly grabbed a tunic of heavy leather, paying a hefty two silver. He ran across the road as he could hear the shouts of the guards upon finding the body of Janith, hastily he jumped in side of the lower city arm's dealer. While there, he grabbed an inexpensive dagger; he had to dish out two copper, and thirty tin. Jumping back into the street he saw four guards and Sargot run into the opening of the alley into the main road, so Scodeul took off toward the gate, nearly one hundred meters down the way. Before he could make it, the guards behind him called for a stop, and the gate was blocked so that everyone leaving would be checked to see if they fit his appearance. He might be a beggar, but he did know that the performance of magic within the city walls was illegal, and that the penalty was death. There was no fooling around this time, even if he hadn't meant to do it. Scodeul needed a way out of the city, but before he could make a decisions from his shadowed hiding place Sargot spotted him. "There he is!" Sargot yelled to the guards. All four of them came over to the spot where Scodeul was standing. " Hey kid. Your coming with us for the use of magic within city walls. There will be no exceptions. You are guilty of killing a young woman through the use of magic, this is a double crime; both punishable by death. If you resist arrest this will be a third crime equaling a punishment of death." "Do you have any proof?" "The witness of all of the beggars." "And why should you believe them? Do I look like a beggar?" "Your not who we thought you were! Your acting all normal now...who are you really? We found you starving on the side of the road, and we thought you were stupid...you know...couldn't communicate right" This time it was Sargot who interjected. "I am someone who needed to get away for awhile, but when your little dog hit me I was sick of the harassment." He turned to the guards, "Now if you would be so kind as to let me leave, I would be willing to go and never return to this wretched city." The guard answered, "We cannot do that, you are guilty of crimes punishable by death." "If you do not let me go you will all die, trust me, I have no control over what I can do." "Just come quietly, and nothing has to go wrong." "NO!! You don't understand! I have to get out of here before the mages of the academe come after me." The guard reached for the boy and his eyes flared as the guards hand grabbed his wrist. The guard's hand recoiled and the metal of his gauntlet was melted to his hand and he screamed in agony as the other three moved forward with swords drawn. One sword came in on each side and as they melted and folded around his body he could see Sargot running back toward the Beggar's Row. The two who had lost their swords were dragging the first away as the smell of charred flesh was filling the air. The fourth was running to sound the alarm for reinforcements and a long chain of fire accelerated out from Scodeul and ripped him in half. Before he could regain control of himself he was tearing the gates off of its hinges with a writhing vortex of fire, and as he was running out of the gates he stepped over the charred remains of the guards. * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * "Tythus, there were two more spikes, the final one was massive. If the High Mage doesn't find this being soon, I fear that the city may be turned to rubble and we will have to move some of our instructors in to detain this thing." Lady Josalyn was growing worried, nothing like this had ever occurred in her fifteen years at the academe, and it was truly frightening.

niko_teen

05-31-2007, 09:30 AM

Skullsmasher@Oasis wrote: <blockquote>Ok...so I found this in my saved word documents and I figured I might as well put it here and let the critics pull it to pieces...<img src="/smilies/69934afc394145350659cd7add244ca9.gif" border="0" alt="SMILEY" /> Don't expect anything too wonderful...like I said...no one has looked at this, so it is probably very poorly written...I've only read over it twice...I might try and pretty it up...or start on somthing I can work with better...</blockquote> Translation: I have mustered up the courage to put my story on the boards because i am inheriantly better then all of you. I haven't seen a story ripped to shreds by any critics on here but if you refer to my ealier statement i am better then all of you.<hr />[I cannot control my vocabulary] this guy is cocky........ that's a trait i can respect amoungst others who share this trait with me.But all fun put to the side. There is only one way to get better at writting and that is to write. I mean heck I'm willing to bet that Even Ekuthh had to learn to sound out words in order to read them as a child. Wait, no, bad example. I'm pretty sure Ekuthh popped out with a pipe in the corner of his mouth reading a copy of the NY times. "Oh what the blazes, oh yeah well wah wah wah. Now leave me alone I'm trying to check on my stocks." But i digress.The forums are a good place to hoan your writting skills and are a relitive safe place. I mean the only true @#$^hole here is me /chuckle.

Tain

05-31-2007, 10:37 AM

<cite>niko_teen wrote:</cite><blockquote> I mean the only true @#$^hole here is me /chuckle.</blockquote> Truth!Very good start to your story though <img src="/smilies/3b63d1616c5dfcf29f8a7a031aaa7cad.gif" border="0" alt="SMILEY" />

valkry

05-31-2007, 02:15 PM

Welcome to the board, you have been offically harassed by Niko. We try not to be brutal in our comments about the stories, however the ooc threads are another matter.Will be interesting to see where the story goes, but I'm intrequed by the workings of the mage guild you have set up.

Ekuthh

06-01-2007, 09:06 PM

*looks up from the NY Times and takes the pipe out of his mouth, gesturing with it* Welcome to the family.Don't mind Niko, he's harmless. Despite what he says otherwise. Think of him as a hyperactive puppy... *returns to his paper*

valkry

06-01-2007, 11:54 PM

" ()*#&&(%, WHO forgot to let Niko out into the yard?!? Ekuthh, Hon, when you are done with the paper could I use it... and does anyone know if any of the classes have a 'clean' spell?

Jnom

06-02-2007, 03:24 AM

I won't pretend to have the capacity to criticize, but it you like, I can offer some personal comments:- loved your story, especially your starting paragraphs. Descriptive, well-paced, intriguing and emotional.- middle-part (confrontation with the guards) seemed to progress much faster. The dialogue seemed to happen too fast. I frequently have the same issues with my chapters. Whether it's due to impatience to finish the chapter or what, it always seems to end faster-paced than I like. Something I'm trying to work on. Maybe add a bit of descriptors regarding what your characters are doing, feelings, or thinking in between the dialogues? The section had a lot of great elements in it though. I enjoy very much your writings about the usage of the arts.- hope to read more! This will be added as a thread to follow!If this is your "uneditted" version, I can't wait to see what you can do!Now, to return to your regularly scheduled programming.

Skullsmasher

06-02-2007, 11:56 AM

Thankyou for your comments,I have another part almost ready...and on monday I'll try to get a grammer/fantasy nut to go over the first part. Then I'll prolly have an edited first part...

Skullsmasher

06-06-2007, 09:54 AM

Ok...so this is group #2 of a 3 group thing...and my attempts to get an editor are currently failing...=P This trip was a real bore, wouldn't you agree? I know, not a decent thing to kill in weeks. Can you even believe the captain tried to get us to take care of his rat problem... The twins stood silently at the helm of the flagship for the great Elven navy. Using telepathic communication, perfect for assassins, talking without your prey ever knowing what hit them. As they watched, the boat finally pulled into the southern harbor of the human kingdom, the passengers left the boat and sought shelter for the night. The group consisted of sixteen, the twins, Clurg the princess's bodyguard, Princess Lilieanna, her two manservants, and her ten handmaidens. They had an arranged room at the emperor's inn, where the supreme ruler of the humans resided when on business at the southern port. The inn was a large, opulent building, with gardens surrounding it. Inside was even more grandiose than the outside, gold plating and mosaics, plush navy and purple carpets, and marbled pillars. A pair of oaken doors stood open leading to a large stair case which led to the princess's chamber. Clerg pulled a chair up to the front of the doors, Clerg never sleeps, he just watches, waiting for the time when he must defend his mistress. The twins were nowhere to be found, probably out stalking the night for a threat on the princess or an easy bounty to collect. The princess and her servants went up the stairs to prepare her for sleep. * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Killian, you were right! You can smell their fear...oh this is so wonderful! Orana, Killian's twin sister, giggled with delight as blood from the freshly opened wound poured over her hand. Yes, I told you it was amazing didn't I?-heh-the poor kid didn't even see it coming. Killian gave a quick smirk to his sister and grabbed the boy's body, "That's what you get for killing the Archdukes dog, scum." Killian usually handled most of the killing, while Orana covered the escapes or shot victims down with her bow. The bounty on the kid wasn't much, but Killian figured it could be a good lesson for his twin. She needed some work with a dagger. The child had died to slowly for his taste. They should be dead before they hit the ground. * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * The young princess and her wards slept soundly in the giant suite, and not a single one stirred as the window creaked open. A silent figure climbed through and began moving towards the giant bed in the center, maneuvering around the slumbering figures of the servants. The figure suddenly stopped, an ice-cold dagger had slipped through his tunic and now tickled his ribs. As if out of some terrible dream, someone he could not see whispered in his ear, "Either you turn around and come out of the room and have a nice little chat with me, or I can drag your lifeless carcass out of here. Which will it be?" There was no response, but the intruder knew he had no choice, if she wasn't dead it would be his neck on the line. He lunged forward, towards the bed, but the never quite made it. He seemed to just stop, half way between the now visible dark elf and the princess's sleeping form. "I warned you once," Killian was once again addressing the unwelcomed figure, "that was the second warning. Once step closer to the bed, and the arrow won't just go through you nose, but your entire head. Now, for the last time, either you walk out these doors, or I take you through them." The guy turned, blood oozing down his face from the hole strait through his nose, his shoulders sagging and headed out the door. The door closed behind him and he took in his surroundings, a hideous beast to his left, but the other two were different. Behind him was the dark elf that had corralled him out of the room. The figure in from of him was another thing altogether, he had never seen an elf before. Let alone a fit, young elf, and to him she was the most beautiful thing ever. Before he had time to take in the full goodness of the being before him, he was spun around to face his earlier tormentor. Killian decided to show some mercy to this man, a rare occurrence for an assassin of his stature, "Ok, these are your..." Being interrupted by having to wipe a glob of bloody spit off his face. Killian motioned to Clerg, every thought of compassion was gone. "Take him out back for Orana, she's going to give him a night he'll never forget." The man smiled and licked his lips at her as he was carried down the hall. I think he got the wrong impression. Killian was going to enjoy hearing about this. For the rest of the night, not a soul around slept through the death wails of a man pumped full of so many arrows he was beyond recognition. * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * The princess woke in the the twilight hours to find a mangled hand lain on her nightgown between her breasts, she grabbed it and yelled out excitedly, "Why thank you Killian, you remembered how much I do love to keep a piece of my would be murderers." She climbed out of her bed and put the hand in a bag with many others, and began getting ready for a long day of traveling.

Jnom

06-13-2007, 10:31 PM

Very nice. I liked this one very much, especially the part about the arrow through the nose. You do have a way with action!

SilverclawII

06-15-2007, 12:25 PM

I wonder if my view on this story would be different if I had read it earlier. This story reminds me of a series that I regretted reading, sorry, so I'm hoping that I can keep my comments open-minded and start this one afresh.I get Scodeul's surroundings, but I can't see him, except for his eyes. I can't tell if he's small because that's his race, a child, or just short? Of course this could be intended and things will be revealed later. Is it just me or do vivid, crystal, or etheral, blue eyes seem to be a common mark among the "unique"? Maybe I haven't read enough to make this statement accurate, but my own characters are no exception.Most of the charcters are interesting, even the short-lived ones. The Elven company confused me a little. When I imagine an Elven navy, I'm thinking High Elves. Are they all Dark Elves like Killian and his sister (She IS a Dark Elf, right?), or are those two on hired pay? (No offense to the Tier'dal and Dark Elf fans, but I'm starting to get my fill of reading about them.) I'm guessing the princess is, due to her morbid collection. I'll agree that the action is good, but the dark nature isn't my prefrence.This writing may appeal to those who prefer Freeport over Qeynos, but for a "goody-goody" fella like myself, I'll probably come back just to keep up-to-date.

Amethest

06-15-2007, 05:31 PM

since most of my characters are evil side i am enjoying the darkness of your story. as shiva indicated to each his own <img src="/smilies/3b63d1616c5dfcf29f8a7a031aaa7cad.gif" border="0" alt="SMILEY" /> more please <img src="/smilies/3b63d1616c5dfcf29f8a7a031aaa7cad.gif" border="0" alt="SMILEY" />