How the Iksar Stole Frostfell [Archive] - EQ2 Forum Archive @ EQ2Wire

Dreyco

12-25-2006, 02:02 PM

<div></div>((Here is a little parody that I wrote in light of the Holiday Season. Happy Holidays Everyone!The Grinch Stole Christmas is Copyright Dr. SeussEverQuest II's Stuff is Copyright to SOE of course.))Every ElfUp in KelethinLiked Frostfell a lot. . .But the IksarWho lived just south of Kelethin,Did NOT!The Iksar hated Frostfell! The whole Frostfell season!Now, please don’t ask why, for I have no clue to the reason.It could be that his tail didn’t sit on his rear just right.It could be, perhaps, that his scales were too tight.But, come to think of it, the most likely reason for this lizard’s lack of holiday cheer…Was the banter of phat lewt heard year after year.So…Regardless of DKP,Lopsided tails, and tight scales.He stood there on the eve of Frostfell, hating the elves.Staring down from his perch with a snarling, Iksarian frownAt the brightly lit windows of their decorated, tree-top town.For he knew every Elf up in Kelethin at this momentWas busy dancing and prancing with their new armor in merriment.“And they’re hanging their new cloaks of flames…” he snarled with a Sneer.“Tomorrow is Frostfell. I can’t believe it’s here!”Then he snorted, with his Iksarian claws drumming in frustration,“I MUST find some way to stop this Selfish Celebration!” For, Tomorrow, he knew…… All the elf girls and boysWould rush to their PVP Arm0rz, their new ub3r swords.Screaming and cheering “Ph4t L3wt! R0xx0rz!”That’s one thing he hated! The “OMGZ”, “OWNZ”, “PWNZ”, “SPL01TZ”.It made his ears ring, and his brain turn to mush.The d00d’s ub3r l1ngo was always too much.Then the elves young and old, would throw a big party.And they’d praise, and they’d show,And they’d BOAST! SWANK! BRAG! AND CROW!They would banter of Class Leather and rare Master-crafted Trinkets each year.Which was something the Iksar had never again hoped to hear.And THEN!They’d do something he hated MOST of all.Every elf up in Kelethin, the young and the old.Would form up huge raid parties, with battle horns tooting.They’d march across Norrath…And the elves would start GANKING!They’d gank.And they’d GRIEF!And they’d SMOOSH! POUND! FLATTEN! Then kick out his TEETH!And the more the Iksar thought of this Frostfell Celebration. The more the Iksar thought, “I must end this holiday of frustration!”“Why, for five-hundred years I’ve tolerated it now!”“I must stop this Frostfell from coming! …But HOW?”Then he had a foul brainstorm…An awful sensation…The Iksar’s sharp mind thought of a way to stop the coming celebration.“I know just what to do!” the Iksar cackled to himself.“I’ll sneak into Kelethin disguised as an elf!”“And with a series of great Iksarian schemes…”“I’ll end this stupid holiday! And put a stop to their coming assault teams!”“All I need is a petrified eye…”The Iksar looked around.But since the market was jacked up, there was none to be found.Did that stop the old’ Iksar? Hah! He simply snickered and said.“If I can’t find an elf eye, I’ll collect for one instead.”So he spent the whole evening, driven by his sick little delusion.And he found all the bones for his new elf illusion.THEN!He bought up enough reagents, and a few extra, just in case.And he started to put the pieces of his devious mission into place.Then the Iksar left his home,And drug himself downFrom his hidden-away home, to the elves tree-top town.All the acorns were alive, falling leaves drifting.The elves were all gathered, preparing for the next morning’s gifting.When he rode the Old lift to the first Market-Square“This will be my first target…” the fake elf hissedAs he moved to the vaults, heinous things clutched in his fist.He slinked through the door unseen, difficult to say the least.But he managed without a problem, no elf seen to stop his deeds.He glanced about at the bank’s collected stash.“This platinum…” he smirked, “Will be the first thing to be trashed.”From there, to the guild halls, driven further on his crusade.Taking every bit of l3wt from the successfully completed raids.Shields! Armor! Jewelry! Weapons!Clickables! Quest Items! Rare Components! Collections!And he set them ablaze, then the Iksar, his expression eager and keen.Shoved the remains off of Kelethin without being seen.Then he crept to their Festival.He vandalized the decorationsAnd poisoned the snack foods to put an end to the coming celebrations!He did his work as quick as can be.And then he left Kelethin with a smile of glee.It was now close to dawn.All the elves were finally a-bed.All the elves still slumbering, when he returned to his shed.He day-dreamed of their screaming, their venting, their anger.But without their ph4t l3wt, he knew he wasn’t in danger.“At long last, there is peace!” the Iksar said while joyously humming.“Tomorrow, for the first time, No Frostfell will be coming.”“They’ll probably wake up, and I know exactly what happen…”“They will find their loot in rubble, and their stashes in disarray.”“And I’ll finally be rid of this stupid holiday!”“Why did I leave… their rage is something that I just have to hear.”“That alone will make all the trouble worth the end I brought to it this year.”Outside of his shack, he raised his snout to listen for the absence of cheer.He was greeted with sounds that he found most surprising.The cheer of coming festivities started its rising.“Why aren’t they sad?!”“How can they be happy?!”“This can’t be so!”“I made [expletive haxx0red by Raijinn] sure everything was dealt with properly!”He stared up at Kelethin, and his eyes went wide as dinner plates,Observing with shock as the Elves began to celebrate.Every elf up in Kelethin, from guard to citizen,Was celebrating Frostfell, without any ph4t l3wt shared amongst the denizens.He hadn’t stopped Frostfell from coming at all.Every elf was enjoying the time with each other, whether they were small or tall.And the Iksar, with his eyeridge twitching in displeasure.Stood perplexed and confused, “I took accurate measure!”“Yet still, it came without Armor, it came without weapons!It came without Master Scrolls, DKP Bonuses, or Collections!”He growled in anger until his throat became sore.Then the Iksar thought of something he hadn’t before.“Maybe Frostfell…” he thought, “Doesn’t mean what I thought…”And he considered this as the celebration continued, despite the disarray he had brought.So, what happened then?Well, in Kelethin it’s mentioned.That the Iksar’s black spiritBecame inspired and uplifted.And the instant that he knew that he hadn’t been right.He blew through the mountains to apologize for the plight.The elves showed no hatred, and greeted him with holiday cheer.And for the first time, the Iksar celebrated with them this year.