cr0wangel
01-23-2006, 08:21 PM
<p>(In response to the story "<a target="_blank" href="http://eqiiforums.station.sony.com/eq2/board/message?board.id=tales_lore&message.id=2568">Nayeh and Tialneques</a>", I wanted to post some entries from my character blog, Alak's Journal, on the forum, so people can see the story from Alak's point of view. Please note that this is a resume, you can read the full story in the blog here: <a target="_blank" href="http://myspace.com/alak">http://myspace.com/alak</a> :smileyhappy: I hope you will enjoy and comments are welcome. Please forgive the english mistakes...)</p><p><strong>You have power over me</strong></p><p>* ''He is different from the others. He is perfect''. Alak could still feel Tialneques lips on his forehead, a kiss from Tialneques was worthing more than any night he could have with anyone. Alak was still feeling his touch, he only touched his shoulder and it was like the world had change.</p><p>He liked him. Everytime he was with him, he had this feeling inside. Something he could feel only for males, never for females. Alak wanted so much to kiss him, when their two faces were close, the lust was screaming silently. But he did nothing, it was too soon. He wanted to wait, he didn't mind to wait for him.</p><p>Alak stood into his room, alone for a moment. Tialneques just left the room and his presence was still floating around. A strong feeling, something he felt already but only once... He stood there, thinking. He realized he never loved the others, he played with them, leaded by the lust probably. What he was feeling for Tial had nothing to do for what he has felt for the others, they were merely shadows. Alak realized he loved Tialneques, and he knew that this love was giving Tial a lot of power over him.*</p><p><strong>The way</strong></p><p>*Alak couldn't sleep that night, his head was light and dizzy, he was tired but still, his mind wouldn't stop. The eyes of Tialneques were haunting him, so piercing and so close when Tial kissed him out of passion. Alak was surprised by the kiss and he rarely is. He couldn't forget his words and his touch, it meant so much.</p><p>In the back of his mind there were a shadow, somehow he didn't know how to deal with this. Necrum was back and crawling at his feets, he still cared for him, Alak didn't know what to do, for he knew the necromancer was only lust and nothing more. He told his friend he will take a decision, but in his mind it was all set. He couldn't help it, he was bind to Tialneques. For once, Alak wanted to build something, to believe in something, and he wanted Tialneques to lead the way.</p><p>Tial said the fate could be changed, but Alak was fearing the love will turn into hate. ''I won't let it happen'', he whispered to himself. It seems he heard the curse laughing out loud into his mind for a second, challenging him to defy his fate.</p><p>He pictured Tialneques leaving and hating him. Alak bite his tongue, letting the blood flow into his mouth. ''He won't happen''.*</p><p> </p><p><strong>Three words</strong></p><p>*Alak never felt something as strong as this. It was filling his heart, leaving no place for hate, anger, pain, sorrow, for a moment he felt nothing but passion and love. But he said nothing about it, lost in the embrace. Every time he was kissing him, it was as sweet as the first time, and Alak always wanted more.</p><p>He memorized the words Tialneques told him, to use them as a refuge if some dark days come. Three words so precious, three words that were making everything possible: I love you. He memorized this very moment and wished it last forever.*</p><p><strong>Pounding</strong></p><p>*Alak's heart was pounding, fast and hard. He could hear it into his head and feel it into his chest. His eyes were full of tears but none were falling on his cheeks. While Tialneques's hands were around his neck, pressing on his throat, Alak was seeing only one thing: his lavender eyes.</p><p>He was looking at him fixely, giving Tialneques the power of life and death over him. He felt sorrow, he felt fear, drowned into love. Alak didn't know he will be scared, the fear surprised him. Scared of death? More scared of what will become of him once he will face Innoruuk, scared of the curse, scared to see the one he loves kill him, scared to die here and now, and to never see his face again. For the first time in his life, he felt he had no power at all.</p><p>Multiples voices were screaming in his mind : ''Fight! You won't let a shadow knight kill you!''...''Death, by the hands of a friend'' was saying the curse, ...''Innoruuk will squash me like a fly''...''He will do it?''...''Do it, take my life''...''I love you''. All the voices blurred into one. But he couldn't hear a word. His body wanted to live, his heart was fighting inside, but his soul was ready and strong enough to control his survival instincts. He was looking at Tialneques, ready to offer his life, if he wanted to take it. He stopped to think.</p><p>It seemed to be an hour, but lasted only a few seconds; Tialneques removed his hands from his neck. Alak could breathe.</p><p>He never was so close to death, he could have died and everything would have been easier. Even in death, he would have loved him. He realized how much power Tialneques had over him, how much power he was giving him. Love. So much into one feeling. He understood Tial words, his torment. How he could be the ideal knight if he was feeling love... He couldn't stand to see him sad, he wished he could take his pain away. But he didn't know what to do or say. Alak kissed him.</p><p>Then, he watched Tialneques sleep most of the night, enjoying the sight of his perfect visage, the sound of his breathe; until himself he felt asleep into his arms.*</p><p> </p><p><strong>Bathe</strong></p><p>*Alak was waiting in his room for Tialneques, Tial was on the way, bringing something to drink, a bottle or two... He smiled to himself and let the feeling fill him; waiting for Tial was always a pleasure. As he was waiting, he couldn't help it and thought about their afternoon.</p><p>Alak remembered how they kissed swiftly in the temple, somehow he knew when Tialneques was about to press his lips against his, Alak's heart was always pounding before a kiss. Then, they both bathe into a retired lake, deep in the Feerrott jungle, the water was clear and refreshing, and the falls relaxing. They swam into the lake playfully, kissed and talked.</p><p>As a ghost, Tialneques torment came and bring some shadows over the perfect moment. Did he cried? Alak saw a tear running or maybe water, he wished he could do something! Enough wishes, he thoughts, I will find a way to relieve him of this torment.</p><p>A warm smile was on his face when Tial entered his room. He only had to put his eyes on Alak, to make him feel complete. How it was possible to feel satisfating only because of his presence? Alak didn't know, but that night, he did not bothered himself with such questions. The eyes of Tial were sparkling and he could feel the desire into his voice. The wine he brought was aweful. But they were not there for the wine...they were there for each other.*</p><p> </p><p><strong>Drunk head</strong></p><p>*He was drunk and sick; Tialneques was sleeping, curled into his bed. Alak smiled and caressed his hair, trying to bring him some comfort. Only a few brandy glasses and Tial passed out, he didn't know the noble knight couldn't drink!</p><p>Drunk, Tialneques almost tell to an inquisitor they were lovers, but he fell on the floor before the word could escape his mouth. Alak wanted the entire world to know...but he knew Tialneques was not ready for this, even if his lips were burning to say it, he did not wanted to hurt him. What the inquisitor would have said if the word "lovers" came to his ears? Alak didn't know, but he understood why Tialneques was fearing the judgement of others. However, the priest was not a fool, being the spiritual guide of the knight, he will eventually find out...Alak was trying to hide it, but sometimes it was so obivious. To watch every words and every moves when others are around, to not look at him, to not touch him, to not kiss him, it was tearing him apart, but he didn't mind to do it for him. He will do anything for him.</p><p>Alak laid beside Tialneques into the small bed, he held him tight and enjoyed to hold his body wrapped into a robe. The love was so powerful and strong, but so was the pain when he felt Tialneques anger. It hurted so much, a mean word from him was worst than thousand daggers. He could not bare to see him mad or sad or worried. Tial had the power to completetly destroy him, but also the power to make life worth living. Alak held him tight until he fell asleep.*</p><p> </p><p><strong>Anything but happiness</strong></p><p>*Tialneques was stunning as he was wearing the blue robe, the clothe was falling down his shoulders perfectly, the color and the tissue were emphasizing his attractive silhouette. He was walking slowly, with grace and charisma, gifted of the teir'dal agility and beauty. A warm smile lit the face of Alak, as he welcomed his knight. Alak looked at Tialneques, the knight was obviously favored by Innorruuk to have such a presence and such eyes!</p><p>Alak thanked Tial for the precious gift, a silver chain, symbol of Innorruuk, The Father. He put it around his neck and silently swore to never remove it. He wondered if people will ask him questions, seeing him wear a religious symbol may make the others think something had changed. In fact, everything had changed since he met him.</p><p>They decided to go for a drink, downstair at the bar. The place was empty and they both enjoyed the fire and some brandy. Alak could have stayed there forever, holding him into his arms. He truely hoped Tialneques could feel the same; sharing with him, love or pain, fears or dreams, was his reason to live. As their lips touched each other, Alak wanted to say "I love you", but he thought that would not be appropriate. He will say it to him every hour if he could, but that will be rather annoying. The word needed to keep its meaning, thus not being said often.</p><p>They talked about various things, Tialneques seemed to be morose, tormented by his thoughts again. "If only I could see inside of your complex mind, my love", Alak thought. They talked about marriage, he didn't know why Tialneques brought this up. Maybe it was because he was invited to a wedding recently? Tial said he pictured himself with children, a son who could become a knight or maybe a daugther who could become a priest, and a wife. It was a foolish idea for two teir'dal of the same gender to get married. The knight feared he would seek to have a family one day. Those things Alak could not give them to him.</p><p>He did not know what to say or think, so he simply said that berserkers were not made to live very long and secretly he hoped to be dead before...if Tialneques seek to found a family.</p><p>When they went to bed, Alak felt sad, the fear to not be what Tial needs and wants spoiled his dreams that night. He held him tight, kissed him and tried to hide his sadness. "As long as you are with me, I will hold on". His presence and closeness brushed away the sadness.*</p><p> </p><p><strong>Fading</strong></p><p>*Alak could still feel Tialneques lips on his, a simple kiss, but how precious. The first kiss since his return, days ago. Many days and only one kiss. Did Tial really returned or was it his ghost? For a moment, it seemed everything was like before, but when the kiss ended and he looked back at Tialneques, the sorrow filled his heart. He could not tell what torment the knight, but he was feeling it, something into his lavender eyes. An heavy burden on his shoulders, so heavy that Alak was feeling crushed. So much time has passed since they were alone, together, away of the world, away of what torment him. He feared Tialneques was fading, that his soul was drifting away from his body.</p><p>As Alak was looking at Tialneques walking away in the desert, leaving him alone behind, he wished he knew what to say, he wished he could relief him from his pain with a whisper. But all he said was ''I miss you'' and Tial was already too far, he did not heard him...or did he?*</p><p><strong>Udossa</strong></p><p>*Alak was playing with a ring, rolling the jewel between his fingers. A pretty ring, unique, he had it made for Tialneques. A silver band with a precious gem, deep red, as the colour of the blood. The light seemed to twirl into the gem, like a crimson snake, the light was creating strange enthralling patterns. Inside of the band, engraved, only one word, "Udossa", the dark elf word for "Us". But it meant everything.</p><p>Alak smiled contently as he was admiring the ring. He had it for a while now, he bought it long ago, before Tialneques left for his church duties. He wanted to give it to him, but he never did. When Tialneques came back from his trip, he was sick... or else. Being lost in the desert, lost in the nightmares, Alak also almost forgot about that ring as he was seeing the pain overwhelming the eyes of the knight. He could not bare to see him suffer.</p><p>He wanted the ring to be a symbol and not only a gift. A symbol of their bond, something to tell Tialneques he will stand beside him forever, since he couldn't tell it with words. Alak remembered how Tial said it will be foolish to get married, so he feared he would not like the ring. Will he think all of this is foolish? Will he see the ring as a symbol of engagement somehow? He didn't know if he should give it or not. Maybe Tialneques was right and everything was foolish. All he wanted was to be with him.*</p><p><strong>Nevertheless</strong></p><p>*As Alak was looking at Tialneques walking away, he wanted to say something, but the knight disappeared in the alleys of Longshadow, so he said nothing. He watched him going away, his eyes blinked, until he could not see him anymore. I love you, he whispered, hoping the wind will bring his words.</p><p>He was starting to think that maybe he did something wrong, maybe Tialneques was punishing him. Why this coldness? Alak didn't know what was happening, where he was going, was he preparing something? He thought that maybe Tialneques have met someone else... But somehow, he was trusting him. When the knight was saying to not worry, he didn't know why, but he was trusting him.</p><p>Alak walked back to the inn, he stopped in the alley, exactly where he met Tialneques a second ago. He remembered, Tial did not smile when he saw him.*</p><p><strong>Chasm</strong></p><p>*Alak was standing on the edge of the chasm, he could feel the wind and the sand brushing his face. Looking down below, the world seemed so small and distant, like an unknown dream. These last days, he came here often, wondering if he should jump into the emptiness and let his body being squashed.</p><p>Tialneques did not come to meet him as he was supposed to. He waited, but the knight did not come. Did he forget? Probably not, but Alak was feeling forgotten. He knew Tial did not forget, but believing he did comforted him somehow. I wish you could know, he thought. He needed him, he wanted Tial to need him in return.</p><p>Just one step and everything will be over. He held into his gloved handed the symbol he was wearing around his neck. If only I knew, I could help you, he whispered, I wanted so much to protect you, maybe I forgot to protect myself. Alak didn't know what to do, thinking made things worst. Even if he could touch Tialneques handsome visage, he could not reach him, he was far away. He needed to know what was between them before he sink into it.*</p><p> </p><p><strong>Heavier</strong></p><p>*Alak was breathing slowly, the armor was heavy on his shoulders, the entire world was heavy; the rain was falling in his raven hair, but he didn't move. He stood there on the docks, listening to the water making strange noises as it drip on the metal on the armor. He could not deny the feeling resoning inside of him. He was hollow. He felt lost in the depths of despair, alone with his pain. The feeling was unbearable, the world seemed to be covered by a thick darkness.</p><p>Tialneques was there, standing beside him, but he seemed to be far away, as far as the space between the stars. Alak wanted to reach him, but he could not, he needed to wait for the knight to come back to him. In an attempt to keep his mind sane with fond memories, he remembered that passionate kiss Tialneques gave him some days ago.*</p><p><strong>Broken</strong></p><p>*Alak stood in front of the candles in his room, looking at the weak light dancing. The flames were reflecting in his dark eyes; strange shadows were brushing his sorrowful visage. An handsome teir'dal, but with a visage aggravated by pain. His eyes, a reflection of his soul, broken and forever lost. He stood there for a moment, but it seemed to be an eternity. Life, seemed to be an eternity without Tialneques. His eyes blinked, as the painful name was pronounced in his mind. But nevertheless, he said the name again. Maybe it was to convince himself the pain was real, and he was not lost in some nightmare.</p><p>Images invaded his mind. A smile, silver hair, a sword, the noise of an armor tinkling, a familar smell, a comforting voice, and the eyes, the lavender eyes he could not forget. They were always looking at him, he could not escape their sight.</p><p>He didn't know if he could go back to that place, near the fontain, Maj Dul. He didn't know if he could go on. He didn't know what he should do, what was left of him. What did you do to me? The words of Tial sounded right, but everything sounded right when it was coming from Tialneques's mouth, so how Alak could tell? How he could know, what was right, what was wrong. What was fair, what was unfair.</p><p>Alone, in his small room, the silence filled his mind. This is when Alak realized, how loud it was screaming inside of him, so loud, the pain was covering anything else, Tialneques left. Bringing with him so much of him. The purpose of his life, a meaning, hopes, dreams, trust. Only pain was left. Pain, lies, and anger, anger slowly climbing up inside.</p><p>Tears were running on Alak's ebon cheeks, like blood from a deadly wound. He ignored them and tried to understand. I suffer because you left me or because you never loved me? But everything amounts to the same, Alak was broken.*</p><p><strong>Never</strong></p><p>*Blood. His blood. Alak was shaking inside his armor, he was looking at the blood covering his breastplate, gloves and swords. It was dripping, crimson and thick. His visage remained emotionless, but inside he was petrified. The blood of the one he loves was covering him. Tialneques's blood. Alak could not even blinks his eyes, for a moment, it seemed his soul left his body.</p><p>He breathed deeply and the air in his lungs brought him back. What I have done? But he knew what he did. Love turned into hate. Alak thought he will feel better, he thought he will be in peace if he make Tialneques suffers as he was suffering, but he was feeling worst. He could not hate him. He could not kill him. In his attempt to lesser the pain, he only brought more! He spread the pain between them.</p><p>He watched in silence Nayeh washing his body and armor. She was talking, but Alak was not really listening, her words were mere noises, lost in his mind. He did not care to be naked, he did not care if she touched him, he did not seem to care about anything. Alak blinked his dark eyes to bring himself back to reality. I still love him, he managed to say.</p><p>You never loved me, did you? Of all the words Tialneques said, Alak could only remember one. "Never".*</p><p><strong>Dangerous</strong></p><p>*The wound, Alak's soul was bleeding since that day, the day Tialneques said he never loved him. But he remembered love, he remembered feeling alive and strong. It could not have been a lie. He felt it, inside. When Tial shared his fears, when he was torn by the desert demons, when he shared his smiles, his dreams and even his bed.</p><p>If you never loved me, why I am still alive?</p><p>Alak thought Tialneques got lost, the one he loved, the part of him he loved, has been drowned by something bitter. Drowned by the part who tells him to be perfect, cruel, honorable, the part who tells him to conform to the image of a knight. The image. The knight needs a female for this, just as he needs a sword and a horse. Alak could not understand why. Maybe he was trying to be something he was not.</p><p>Alak swore he will stand beside Tialneques forever, but he needed to find a way to lesser the pain. The anger, it was slowly growing. He needed to fill his heart with anything but pain, if it has to be anger, so be it. He knew it was dangerous, for others and for himself.*</p><p><strong>Hell</strong></p><p>*Alak was searching for some answer, but he could not find any. Everything was confusion, he was either pulled or pushed, so many voices in his mind, he could not think by himself. They wanted to decide for him, he just wanted to scream.</p><p>Alak was not afraid of dying, for he knew completeness...once in his life.</p><p>The hate was running marrow deep. He wanted to kill her, Nayeh, the worm, the [Removed for Content], the snake sliding in his wound. He wanted to kill her so the fire of anger could leave him, to make her pay for his pain. He wanted to make her suffer as he was suffering. But he knew, he could kill her one hundred times, his anger won't be satisfied. He could kill her every night and forever, the pain won't leave his soul. Then, once the pest is dead, he will come, Tialneques. Alak will let the knight have him. It needed to be his sword. A violent end for a violent life.</p><p>These thoughts were haunting his mind, day and night. He could not fight it away, he could not hope it away, wishes were useless. Screaming was useless. He didn't know how he was still alive. He was waiting, hidden inside of himself. Alak knew the day will come when he could not stand it anymore. They will push him. He wanted to be pushed. He wanted the anger to wake up so all of this could end! That was her, Amika, she was soothing him, sealing the anger inside and protecting him against himself. But for how long could she do it?</p><p>He looked briefly down the cliff, feeling the wind and the sand brushing his visage and carrying away a tear. Does he know he made of my life a hell?*</p>